It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize