i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
