He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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