Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
