I met the friendliest cop last night
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
