I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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