just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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