My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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