It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
nutella sex= disaster
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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