i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
