well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
