Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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