I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
