i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
