No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
