my vag is so smooth its legendary
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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