Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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