Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize