I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
