I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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