Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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