i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
tequila makes me forget i have legs
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
