It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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