Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
