she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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