I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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