I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
