My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
