Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
