Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My breasts were aching with rage.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
