I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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