If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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