Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
