I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
