Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Barsexuality is the new black.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
