loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
