dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
