Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
