just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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