i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
