what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
