Swine flu. Run for my life!
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
