Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
