All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
