Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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