I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it's like heaven, but drunker
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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