woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
