I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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