between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
