I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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