you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
