Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
