i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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