You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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