Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
