OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
