Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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