Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
