he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
