someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
