i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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