This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
